Shots are on Me!

10/15/09 addendum...for an update on the wicked Diva Cup, go here.

Warning: May contain material not suitable for men, persons with weak stomachs and Beena, who despises all body fluids, especially other people's fluids. Dad, please don't read this post. I don't want you looking at me funny next time you come for dinner...

This post was started on Thursday, but I sunk into such a deep funk all I could do was lay on the couch and eat cheesecake. So much for working out... so I finished the post on the weekend.

I should have written this post last night. Last night I was happy and excited. Last night I was feeling adventurous. Today, not so much. Today, as I stated earlier, I'm cranky and irritable. Now- even more so. It's been a bloody mess of a day. Literally.

Why was I so happy last night? Because I got my period.

Wait, what? Weren't you all for punching Eve in the head for eating the apple? You hate your period. Why were you happy you got it?

Because, my friends, I GOT THIS.

No, it's not a shot glass. It's the Diva Cup.

See? Happy Diva Cup!

And I couldn't wait to use it. No more tampons! No more pads! No more spending money on feminine products!

Last night, before Meet the Teacher night at Zombiegirl's school, I quick shoved it in (how hard could it be? I've used tampons...) and ran out to the car. I sat down next to MR, and...ran back into the bathroom. You see, the Diva Cup has this nub on the bottom so you have something to grab to pull it out. But the way my cup was situated, the nub was partially out and rubbing and poking in all the wrong places. So I pushed the cup back in as far as it would go and hoped my body wouldn't reject this foreign object.

Meet the Teach went well (I really like Z-girl's teacher- Mr. S) and I went to the bathroom as soon as I got home. Aw crap. I leaked. I spent the next hour fiddling and prodding my insides to make this thing fits. I finally got so disgusted I took it out, washed it and put it in it's little carrying pouch.

The next day I wore it to work, after inserting it in the shower. By the time I got to work, I was walking like I had a load of poop in my pants because the thing slipped so low and caused leakage. Not only was I battling cramps I was depressed because the thing I wanted so much to work wasn't working. I want to be green! Instead, I was red. I want to save the landfills and not put pads and tampons in them! Instead, I was falling back on these reliable feminine products. Determined, I hobbled to my desk and googled "Diva Cup leakage."

Okay! I'm not the only one with this problem! There's a whole message board of poor women leaking! Seems I was putting it in wrong. After folding it into itself, and inserting, you have to twist it 360 degrees and check to see if it unfolded. Armed with this new knowledge, and a roll of paper towels, I headed back to the ladies room to try again.

Fast forward 20 minutes later. My cup is in but...the stall looks like a slaughterhouse. I don't think there was a surface in that stall that I didn't christen in blood. Thank goodness I brought in the paper towels to clean up...but they're bloody too, and I can't flush them. I sit down to wait until the bathroom is empty to throw them away in the trash.

How much blood does the Diva Cup website say you lose a month? Three to four ounces? It looked like a crime scene in that stall. And I was only on my first 12 hours...

I run out of the bathroom and to the pantry and grab the cleaning spray and pray no one goes into that stall. It's wiped up, but until the HazMat team gets there I'm grossed out that someone else will use it and it's not perfectly clean. While running back the Diva Cup slipped a millimeter, but still holds. I sanitize the bathroom, and my hands and go back to work.

I'd like to say the rest of the day was leak-free but I can't- I did leak slightly by the time I commuted two hours home. Nothing major and pantyliner caught it. When I got to the comfort of my own bathroom I washed and set about taking it out. Yes, it does make a champagne pop noise if you don't break the seal first. And yes, it is possible to dump the contents of the entire cup backwards into your underwear when it slips out of your fingers. But I will not give up. I will be the master of my Diva Cup. I suggest the following:

• Since the cup can stay in for 12 hours, insert and remove while in the shower. It's easier to clean everything up and who doesn't like a nice warm shower after a hard day working while you have your period?
• Buy the Diva Wash. I'm glad I did. I use it to wash my hands before playing around up there.
• Always check the cup after insertion. If you feel any indentations, it's not fully unfolded.
• Cut a portion of the nub off. I tried it again on Saturday after I clipped the nub and it was much more comfortable.
• Don't give up. Don't get discouraged. If you know your body, you'll be able to master this.

I hope to be able to use the Diva Cup when we go hiking the Appalachian Trail, camping and swimming with Z-girl. Thoughts of carrying out tampons and pads while hiking, or strings sticking out of my bathing suit absolutely terrifies me.

Yeah, and the sight of that bloody stall didn't? Yes, it did. I'm not the horror-movie freak in the family. That distinction belongs to MR and Zombie-girl...